In-between - Thomas’s story of baby loss
This post discusses baby loss
I'm rubbish at remembering dates, my wife is much better. She told me, it's been 9 years since our baby loss. I knew it had been a while, I knew it was substantial, but 9 feels like a big, serious number.
No matter how many years, months, days it's been. I'll always remember, I'll always be sad.
Sad for what my wife went through. Interesting it's easier to say what she went through, as opposed to us, or me. I guess I'll always think having babies is her thing, due to the obvious physical and biological stuff. It’s also about honouring her and not trying to take anything away from her, from what she and her body went through. However I accept the loss happened to us both, and indeed us all, as family members knew we were pregnant.
A baby loss is like any other loss, but it's ramped up isn't it. It's more because of all the hopes, dreams and potentials. There’s times where my mind runs away with itself thinking of all the lost experiences, what would they have been like? Who would their friends have been? How different would we be?
Then I have to stop and reign myself in and stop thinking about it. It’s the fear of being lost in grief that stops me.
Our lost baby will always be our in-between baby, our baby that was meant to be, after our first but before our last. I know it's not fair on the lost baby, all the hopes dreams and expectations I've put on them. It wasn't their fault, not anyone's fault, just one of those things. Then there is guilt, that we went onto have another baby and he is awesome, more amazing than I could have imagined and full of all of our love.
I carry all my losses with me, at times they feel a burden, a stone weighing me down, just holding onto it requires all my strength. At other times, it’s a kite, pulling me along, something beautiful, colourful and unpredictable. I can remember the joy pregnancy brought, the excitement and promise. Then I think about the loss and how devastating it was, how much it tests your humanity, your relationship with each other.
Our lost baby will always have our love.
I'm rubbish at dates, but our lost baby is always with me, I’ll carry them with me. Always in my heart, part of our family and story.
Held in our hearts is a fantastic charity supporting families with baby loss: Held
Across the UK, Sands is another great charity supporting families with baby loss: Sands