Gone Baby

This was written and published originally on the 2nd August 2015.

Babies are a miracle, it’s as simple as that.  It’s how I feel.  They are so precious, so dependant and so in need of our love to grow and develop. 

Then you look at the stats, you read the headlines, the population is increasing, and our schools are bursting at the seems.  So honestly are they a miracle? Babies come along every day and we know the human race have been making babies for well a very long time. 

Thinking about my own situation, I remember how I was told it could take a wee while for us to conceive and that time would tell.  

Then the miracle happened.  I remember the first time I saw my son, he was all grey, coming out of the mist of the ultra-scan.  To me he really looked like a miracle, just busy doing his thing and moving inside her belly, arms and legs all over the place.  He seemed so far away.  I thought would he make it? and break free safely from the uterus? Seeing him on-screen was one thing, but holding him and looking into his eyes in real life would be something else.

It truly was, anyone who has the privilege to hold their child is blessed with such a gift.

I’d never held a newborn until I held my son, and I wanted to just keep holding him, to keep looking into his eyes and telling him how much I loved him.  The tsunami of sheer emotion and love was totally unexpected.  I had total respect for my wife for going through what she did to bring him to us safely.  The holding of him, and looking into his eyes was life changing.

He’s now on the cusp of being 7 years old.  I am so proud of the boy he is and of his potential.  The love I feel for him is unending.

We thought babies were a thing of our past.  Recently we had the amazing news that my wife was pregnant again, it was to say the least, unexpected.  We were happy being a family of three and after everything we’d been through we expected to remain a family of three.  The prospect of having another child filled me with so many mixed emotions.  Again I thought, what kind of dad would I be? Would we have enough love to share? Would we have enough physical space? And jings it was going to change our lives again.  For the better.  I knew our son was going to be an awesome big brother.  He was already a great big brother to our cat, so we knew this put him on a good footing!

Then came the heartbreak of learning that the baby was not strong enough to survive and the most likely outcome was to be a miscarriage. 

Something we thought was out of reach anyway came so close.  We never knew if we'd be lucky enough to have one child, so two felt out of the question.  My wife has now had three miscarriages, it makes me wonder how many other women have had and why it feels like a taboo to talk about the loss of a baby through miscarriage.  It feels like a taboo for mums to talk about it, unless they talk to each other about it? but dads? very few of my friends have ever mentioned it.  There's a whole range of emotions that come along with miscarriage, including guilt.  Guilt that it's not me who physically has to go through it, guilt of the part I played in ultimately bringing her (and myself) this pain.  

For a brief wonderful moment we were overjoyed about my wife being pregnant, excited, and yes a wee bit scared.  We knew it would be amazing to have another child.  On hearing the news that it wasn’t going to happen was devastating.  What can you say? What can you do? We held each other.  I was numb, shocked and there was a huge sense of loss and concern for my wife.  Then you take some time, dust yourself down and remember how blessed you are.  How much you love your son, your wife and how lucky you are. Families really are what you make them, happiness is all around you, and love will get you through.   

If you take one thing away from this, it’s this, keep love in your heart and it will all be good.  

Thomas Lynch